v1c8: I’m here for you

Fuaaaaah. I opened my mouth wide as my brain sought more oxygen. I was standing near the doors on the morning train headed towards the school, and Katsuya, who was standing right next to me, wryly smiled at me.

“Yassan, you’re yawning a lot today, aren’t you?”

Having it pointed out to me made me cringe slightly. The window was fogged up from all of my yawning. Outside the train, I could see the leaves of trees slowly withering away, a sign that the cold winter season was about to come.

Katsuya and I went to the same junior high, but our houses were pretty far apart. That was why there were times we took the same train to school, and times when we took different trains, so we don't always commute to school together. Today, we happened to be on the same train and car, so we talked to each other as we headed to school.

But on this particular morning, I felt really sleep deprived. Last night, I was up until midnight, studying to make up for my recent lapse… and that went well for a while, until my troublesome imagination sparked up halfway through. In the end, I wasn’t able to make as much progress on my studies as I had hoped. It was past 3 o’clock before I finally came to my senses. To be honest, it was quite pathetic.

As I had a half-assed conversation with my sleep-deprived brain, the train arrived at the station near school, and I got off along with lots of other passengers.

As I left the station through the ticket gate, the north wind blew through my bangs, and my body shivered from the cold. Even though I was wearing a scarf and a knit cap, it was getting incredibly hard to wear my school uniform alone. In fact, Katsuya was already wearing a fluffy midwinter jacket on top of his school uniform, and as a person who is weak against the cold, I couldn’t help but feel envious of him.

Katsuya apparently had some business to do at the library, so he went ahead of me. I stopped by a convenience store on the way because I wanted a nice, hot coffee to get rid of my drowsiness and warm me up.

After briefly browsing through some books, I bought a cup of self-serve coffee that was ground inside the store. I blew on the scalding hot coffee in my hand as I pushed the door open, when two girls wearing the same high school uniform as me came through the door at the same time.

We then looked at each other.

“Ah, Iijima. Good morning!”

Standing right in front of me was Kitaoka, smiling and waving. She was the very same girl who I’d been imagining about a few hours ago.

My heart skipped a beat. I wondered if the girl next to Kitaoka was a classmate. I didn't know her name, but I had seen her once before, and she looked a bit aloof and standoffish, just like Kitaoka.

“Ah…”

The situation was so unexpected that I was at a loss for words. Kitaoka had never greeted me like this before because the times I came to school and the times I left school were always different from hers.

Please don’t look at me too much. Because otherwise, I felt like my expression would eventually leak the fact that I’ve been playing around with her in my dreams every night.

I quickly turned my head away and walked past her without even giving her a reply.

I had barely drank any of the coffee I was holding but I suddenly felt really hot, and my body was sweating all over.

That day was a Wednesday. Of course, that meant that I had prep school after school ended.

The lecturer taught us for about 3 hours, and after the class ended, I headed to Chiba Station and passed through the ticket gate. There, I headed down a flight of stairs.

When I finally arrived at the usual platform for the downbound train, I saw a girl sitting on a bench with her legs stretched out. She was from the same school, the same class, and she was the very same girl who’d been on my mind lately. She had her hands in her pockets, seemingly feeling cold, and her lovely face looked sullen.

“Kitaoka.”

When I called out to her, Kitaoka briefly glanced at me before she turned away once more with a sullen and pouty look on her face.

“What’s wrong?”

I wasn’t sure why, but Kitaoka was definitely angry. I sat down right next to her and asked her that question, but she didn’t reply at all.

Silence fell on the both of us. The one who broke that silence first was Kitaoka.

“You know, Iijima.”

“Yes?”

“What was that about, earlier this morning?”

“Ah…”

I briefly muttered before falling silent. I had met Kitaoka by chance in front of the convenience store earlier today, but I was so nervous to the point where it looked like I was seriously ignoring her.

As I couldn’t think of a good excuse to tell her, Kitaoka exasperatedly sighed at me.

“I know you're intimidated by me and stuff, but why didn’t you at least greet me?”

I couldn’t even complain after having something like that said to me. Even though we barely interacted with each other at school, we were still classmates. It was proper etiquette to at least reply to someone when they spoke to you, and normally, that was exactly what I would’ve done.

But at the time, I was swamped with feelings for Kitaoka that I couldn't express, and I couldn't control them well on the spur of the moment… There was no way I could tell her all this, so I vaguely averted my eyes and hung my head low.

“Sorry…”

When I apologized for my rude behavior, Kitaoka seemed worried about me instead as she looked into my face and asked.

“Hey, did something happen to you recently? You were acting strange last week too, you know?”

Last week… was right after the cultural festival, and I was so conscious of her that I couldn’t talk to her normally. I’m sure that’s why she thought I was acting strange.

Kitaoka was staring at me point-blank, which made my heart beat wildly and out of control. Then, she reached her hand out towards my face.

Startled, I quickly shifted my body backwards. I shook my head and replied with a suitable reason.

“No… It was nothing. I was just a little sleep-deprived.”

Kitaoka’s face stiffened for a moment, seemingly hurt, before she withdrew her hand. She indifferently muttered, “Hm...” as she turned around and faced forward.

Once again, both of us fell into silence. I saw a long line of people waiting for the train at the boarding gate in front of me, which reminded me of something. Even though it was long past the train’s scheduled time of arrival, it appeared as if the train still hadn’t arrived yet.

“The train is really late, huh…”

Kitaoka briefly muttered to herself, which made me look up at the electronic screen. The train seemed to have broken down somewhere, and I realized that I’d have to endure the heavy atmosphere between us for quite some time.

The clock continued to tick by without a single word exchanged between the two of us.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was only alone with Kitaoka once a week, and I was squandering the opportunity. I wanted to talk to her a lot more, and I wanted us to have a much more enjoyable time, but my heart kept spinning round and round in circles, and my faint wish went unanswered.

Nearly thirty minutes had passed since I arrived at the platform before an announcement was made about the arrival of the train. The train I’d been  waiting for so long seemed to have finally shown up.

The wind pressure shook my body along with the piercing noises made by the wheels and the railway scraping against each other. The doors opened in front of me, and lots of people got off the train, with an equally astounding number of people swarming the platform at the same time, getting ready to board the train.

I got ready and took my belongings as I got off the bench, joining the line of people waiting to board the train. However, Kitaoka, who had been sitting right next to me, showed no signs of following me at all.

I looked back at Kitaoka to see what was going on. She was still seated on the bench, and when our eyes met, she determinedly looked up at me as she said.

“Iijima, you head home first.”

“Hah? Why?”

“What do you mean by ‘head home first’?”. I couldn’t grasp her intentions at all, so I questioned her. She replied coldly.

“I don’t like crowded trains. I’ll take the next one, so you don’t have to wait for me.”

...I wonder if that was true. I’d been with her on a few crowded trains before, but she never seemed to look uncomfortable in particular. Besides, I also hated standing in cramped trains, getting squeezed by lots of people. Preferably, I’d like to be sitting down on a nice, comfy seat on the way home.

But, I myself know that when you use public transportation, there are certain things that are inevitable, and I’m sure most people are of the same thought as well. I think she’s getting back at me by putting me on the spot for what happened earlier.

“But you don’t know when the next train is going to arrive, and that train could be crowded too.”

In my experience, once a train got delayed, it would take a while for the schedule to get back on track. Not to mention, the trains on this line were always crowded, and even if you waited for a while, the following trains wouldn’t necessarily be empty. If you went out of your way to wait for the next train, just to see it crowded as well, you’d regret your decision, wondering why you’d wasted so much of your time.

I thought my view on the matter was pretty normal and rational, but even so, Kitaoka refused to budge.

I sighed as I walked back to Kitaoka, who had cast her eyes downward.

“If you linger too long in weather like this, you’ll catch a cold. Besides, it’d be bad if a girl like you stayed out too late.”

In fact, the time right now was much later than the time we usually headed home. Kitaoka’s house was farther than mine, and at this rate, she might even arrive home as late as midnight. I was also hungry, and I wanted to get home as fast as possible, so I didn’t want to wait with her for the next train.

I think my complaint was pretty reasonable, but I had to hurry and convince her or we’d miss the train. I crouched down in front of Kitaoka, who was still staring at the ground, and forcibly met her eyes.

“Let’s go home together, Kitaoka.”

“It’s like I’m trying to soothe a little kid,” I thought as I wryly smiled at her. She seemed to have finally given in as she sulkily turned her gaze away, begrudgingly standing up from the bench.

We boarded the train just in time, with the doors closing right behind us. The train was filled with the heat of lots of people, and it was incomparably hotter and more humid inside the train than outside.

I held on to the handrail near the doors as I rocked back and forth inside the crowded train. The train wasn’t jam-packed, but it was crowded to the point where, if I leaned slightly, my shoulders would bump with the other passengers’.

When I looked down at Kitaoka's face diagonally to my right, I saw that her eyes were lifeless, her mouth was twisted into a frown, and she had a somewhat frightened expression on her face. Her shoulders seemed to be trembling slightly as well.

(So she really couldn’t handle it…)

Apparently she’d been telling the truth when she said, “I don’t like crowded trains.” I had thought that she was just trying to avoid me by lying to me, and felt bad for forcibly dragging her onto the train.

Even after we stopped at a station, the number of passengers inside the train had barely decreased. It would be a while before the train arrived at our destination. I made eye contact with Kitaoka, whose face had gone pale, and asked.

“Do you want to get off at the next stop?”

If you do, then I’ll go along with you… I was about to say, but Kitaoka tightly clutched the handrail as she shook her head.

“It’s okay, I can still endure this…”

I didn’t know how long her “still” would last, but if the person herself said so, then there should be no problem, right? That was what I thought.

“But…”

Kitaoka briefly muttered, but then stopped short. I wondered what she wanted to say.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

I tried to ask her as gently as possible, so as not to make her feel pressured.

She stared at the ground and spoke in a barely audible whisper, stuttering along the way.

“Actually, I once came across a really terrible molester on a train a long time ago… I’ve been really traumatized by crowded trains ever since…”

She went on to say that she hated trains so much that she worked really hard to enter a high school that was near her house. It seems that her dislike for trains wasn’t just her being egotistical, but instead, it was a surprisingly deep-rooted problem. Deciding your future plans over something like this was certainly unusual, but reasonable nonetheless.

But now that I thought of it, it was true that out of all the times we went home together from prep school, today’s train was the most crowded. That was why I had never found out about Kitaoka’s fear of trains.

But, when she said, ‘really terrible’, I wondered how bad it actually was. My imagination started taking off in evil directions, and I flusteredly shook my head to get rid of them. That was wrong of me. What the hell was I thinking? Kitaoka was suffering right now, so how could I be so heartless?

“Kitaoka.”

I tried calling her name, but she didn't reply. Having no other choice, I lightly tapped her on her shoulder.

"I'm here for you. If anything happens, you tell me immediately."

Even in the unlikely event that Kitaoka got attacked by a molester again, I could swap places with her, and even if we were unable to catch the molester, at least I’ll have kept her away from them.

“That’s why, you don’t have to be so scared.” I whispered to her, trying to reassure her. For some reason, Kitaoka’s face, which was frowning, suddenly stiffened. Then, she slowly nodded her head.

『The train is arriving at Soga Station in a few moments─』

The train conductor made an announcement. The next stop was a slightly large transfer station. After a bit, the train slid onto the platform and the doors right next to me opened.

There were a few people who got off the train, but many more people came pouring in to replace them in the blink of an eye. It was likely that, because of the train delay, there were lots of people lining up and waiting, just like what happened at our station.

“Whoa.”

I had been standing right next to Kitaoka near the doors, but I was swept away by the huge wave of people. Before I knew it, Kitaoka, who was supposed to be next to me, was about to be dragged all the way to the middle of the train car.

“Iiji…”

Buried deep in the crowd, Kitaoka appeared as if  she was about to cry as she looked at me. Her hand had lost its support as it roamed around, searching for it once more.

The doors closed and the train started to move, swaying back and forth once more. I reached out towards Kitaoka, who had gotten dragged even further away, and latched onto her wrist on the spur of the moment.

“..!”

Kitaoka's eyes widened in horror for a moment. But when she traced the arm that had caught her wrist with her eyes and saw that I was the one who was holding her, she lowered her eyelashes, seemingly relieved.

She was surrounded by tall people on all sides, and it looked like she had no breathing room. If possible, I would have preferred to get closer to her, but I too was trying my hardest to get more breathing room, and I couldn’t move about freely. The only thing I could move was my hand, which was holding onto Kitaoka.

Even though she knew I was the one holding her, she didn’t show any sign of pulling her hand away or shaking my hand off. Maybe she just didn’t have the willpower or energy to do so, but at any rate, she didn’t seem to dislike it.

With the way things are going right now, I wonder if she’d let me hold her hand.

The thought suddenly crossed my mind, and it was all I could think about. I couldn’t hug her ever again like in the costume, and I’m sure I’d never be able to get any closer to her. Therefore, this was my one and only chance. It was a relatively long ride to the next station, but still, there was no time to waver indecisively.

However... taking advantage of the chaos and touching her body is, in a sense, the same as molesting. There was another part of me that expressed such a rational opinion.

“No, this is different,” I shook my head in denial. This was only a measure to prevent her from getting lost in the crowd. And if she showed any indication of wanting me to stop, then I’d immediately let go of her hand. I had no intention of troubling her in the slightest.

I slowly moved my hand down her wrist. Then, I brought our palms together.

I intertwined my fingers with hers and gently put some strength in them.

My heart started pounding.

I’m sure there were lots of people my age in this world who had plenty of experience with this sort of thing. Maybe Kitaoka was one of those people too. But for a novice like me, something like this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I couldn't help but notice every slight movement her fingers made. It was as if all the nerves in my body were gathered at my fingertips.

I wondered why girls' hands were so smooth. Her hand was so thin and small that, even though we were of different genders, it was hard to believe that we were both humans of the same race.

Some time later, Kitaoka's fingers twitched and trembled. My heart ached with disappointment as I wondered if she was going to shake my hand off. But, there was nothing I could do about it. I slowly started shifting my fingers away.

(Ah…)

Kitaoka gripped my hand tightly as if she were trying to dig deep into my fingers. It was as if her hand was trying to say, “Don’t let go.”

I couldn't see her expression because of the other passengers between us. However, I think that she had a heartbroken and forlorn look on her face. Unwilling to let go of her either, I grasped her hand in return, trying to tell her, “I’m here.”

The train, filled to the brim with people, rushed through the city at night. A sweet, numbing sensation slowly spread from my hand which was firmly intertwined with hers. Even though it should’ve felt terribly cramped and uncomfortable, for some reason, I wished I could stay like this forever.

When I twisted my body to look at Kitaoka, I saw that, as her slender body was being sandwiched between the other passengers, she was also staring at me. Her cheeks were slightly flushed, probably because of the hot and stuffy air inside the train.

With a reliant look in her eyes, she used her lips and mouthed the word “Iijima” without vocalizing it.

I wasn’t sure whether I was feeling happy or embarrassed, but my whole body started heating up. I am needed by her. This made my heart, which was already beating fast, beat even faster, and I felt a numbness behind my eyes.

The car shook violently, probably because the train had switched to a different track. While everyone was busy trying to regain their balance, I pushed aside the people blocking my way and headed towards Kitaoka.

When I finally managed to get back to her side, I spoke into her ear, which was right around my shoulder.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Just a few more minutes before we arrive, so hang in there.”

It was too crowded to talk any more than that. In fact, I’m pretty sure I heard a small click of the tongue really close by, even though we only talked for a bit.

Kitaoka meekly nodded her head. Even that small gesture was endearing, and once again, I tightly squeezed her thin fingers that were intertwined with my own.

It didn’t matter who Kitaoka really liked. Right now, she was mine and mine alone. That’s why, I’ll definitely protect her from anyone here.

With that thought in mind, I calmly stood guard inside the shaking train. Fortunately, despite Kitaoka looking cramped and lacking breathing room, she didn’t send me any signs asking for help.

The train gradually slowed down and the doors behind me opened. It looked like we’d finally arrived at the next station.

A gush of cool air came flowing in through the doors, and several people got off the train. It was a little easier to move than before, but now there was a risk of falling down when the train started moving, so I stretched my free arm out and grabbed the handrail.

Since the train had emptied out a little more, I tried to loosen my grip on Kitaoka’s hand. But my fingers couldn’t leave hers. It was still somewhat crowded, so her surprisingly frail heart might still be nervous.

【TLN: Sorry but this paragraph confuses me. Japanese lacks the use of subjects in almost 90% of sentences. It’s either Kitaoka didn’t want to let go, or Yasuki didn’t want to let go. I’m 60% sure it’s Kitaoka who didn’t want to let go. Very sorry about this, I’ll correct this if this is explained in future chapters.】

The train started moving once more. I felt as if my whole body had become a heart, as the regular rattling and vibrations of the train overlapped with my own heartbeat.

Ultimately, I couldn’t shake my hand off of hers when we arrived at the next station, nor even the one after that.

As the train passed through a long tunnel, The lights of tall apartment buildings in the distance came into view. It was a familiar scene from my childhood. I was almost at the station near my home.

It’d been a while since Kitaoka had said anything. She just kept staring at the ground as she intertwined her fingers with my own while I held onto the handrail with my other hand.

I checked the areas around Kitaoka from time to time, but I didn’t see any suspicious looking people, which was a huge relief.

The train started braking, making ear-piercing noises as it gradually slowed down. I could see the bright fluorescent lights illuminating the platform, slowly moving through my vision until they eventually came to a stop.

A few moments later, the doors near me opened. At the same time, it was as if all the pent-up tension in the train dissipated at once.

The number of passengers on this station was higher than other stations on the same line, since you could transfer to the local line here. I headed for the doors along with the other passengers around me as we poured out of the train.

“Hey…”

As soon as I got onto the platform, I heard a bewildered voice coming from my left. When I looked over to see what was going on, I saw Kitaoka frowning at me as she stood on the platform. I then realized that I was still holding her hand.

“Ah…”

I hurriedly shook my hand away. I had inadvertently taken Kitaoka with me when I got off the train. The station where she would get off was still a ways away. I think I might have been overwhelmed by everything that had happened inside the train earlier. My cheeks grew hot with shame and embarrassment.

“D-did anyone touch you?”

The situation was so awkward that it made my voice come out somewhat strange.

Even though I was acting weird and uncool in front of her, she replied without the slightest change in her expression.

“No, I’m fine…”

“Well, that’s a relief.”

I lightly smiled at her.

But just now, I asked her if she had been touched by anyone, and looking back at the train ride, I realized that I was the one who had touched her body more than anyone else. Realizing this, I once again felt the urge to crawl into a hole.

Wasn't I being really annoying? I wondered if I hadn't taken advantage of Kitaoka's lack of resistance and forced her to do something against her will. I tried to remember, but from the moment I grabbed her wrist until now, there were so many things that happened, and I felt so overwhelmed and confused that I couldn't understand anything at all.

“The train... it’s going to leave soon, so I have to go.”

Kitaoka muttered those words. The train that brought us here was full of people standing and holding onto the handrail a few moments ago, but now I could see a few empty seats here and there. This drastically reduced the chances of any incidents with molesters.

“Ah… okay. See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah… see you.”

I lightly waved my hand as I saw her off. Kitaoka sat down on a seat near the doors with her back turned towards me, and soon the doors closed and the train began to move.

The gray train carrying Kitaoka slowly grew distant. Even after the sound of the rails disappeared, the train vanishing into the darkness of the night, I stared at the route it took for a while longer.

I walked through the ticket gate and headed towards the bike storage area.

My bike was located in a fairly deserted area on the second floor, and after I found it, I straddled it as I went down a gentle slope.

Once I reached the main road, I sped up my pedaling. The cool autumn breeze blew through my ears. However, my face still felt hot and flushed.

Most of the stores on the shopping street had their shutters down, and my surroundings were completely silent. I rode my bike cautiously, watching out for other vehicles as I endlessly racked my brains over a certain matter.

Of course, I was thinking about the girl whose hand I had held in my own just a few minutes prior. Just remembering the forlorn and lonely look in her eyes made my chest tighten, and my heart started beating faster.

I wonder if my ulterior motives were exposed by what I did back at the train. I may have overstepped the bounds of what “a mere classmate” was allowed to do. I'm sure the reason I took her down to the platform with me was because... I didn't want to let go of her hand. I wanted to hold her hand for as long as possible.

This isn’t like me at all. What the hell was I thinking? After everything was said and done, I started having feelings of remorse.

No, but that was an emergency and I had no other choice. If I feign complete ignorance tomorrow, and I don’t touch her on the way home from prep school next week, then I’m sure she’d conclude, “Ah, it was crowded that time so it couldn’t be helped.” I have absolutely no intention of taking advantage of her just because she showed me a weakness of hers. I was an unpopular person, but I at least knew this much.

The warmth in my hand faded away, and my restless mind gradually began to regain its composure along with it.

But… if I could, then there was one thing I’d love to ascertain.

(That girl… Kitaoka… What does she really think of me?)

I knew that she liked another boy. But, I wondered if I really didn’t have a one in one thousand chance, or maybe even a one in ten thousand chance. I could tell from what happened today that she at least didn’t hate me. What I wanted to know was this: if the possibility was there, then what were the odds of it occurring?

Even if she only thought of me as “someone who was easy to talk to”, and even if she didn’t see me in that kind of light, it would be okay. I just want to know what she really thinks of me. This was something that I earnestly wished for.

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Very sorry. I'll work a little harder now.